Why Most Kids Don’t Tell Their Parents They’re Being Bullied — And What You Can Do About It

Did you know that the majority of athletes who experience maltreatment never report it? Research in Canada has found that only about 15% of athletes who experienced harm in sport formally reported it, meaning most young people stay silent about what they’re going through (AthletesCAN, 2019).

Whether the harm is physical, psychological, sexual, or neglectful, many youth choose to deal with it on their own. Shame, fear of retaliation, and the belief that nothing will change often prevent them from speaking up. Some worry that their coach or teacher won’t believe them, that the bully will find out, or that speaking up could affect their place on the team.

Research on athlete maltreatment has consistently shown that fear of consequences, loss of opportunities, and being labelled a troublemaker are major reasons young athletes stay quiet (Government of Canada, 2024).

Because of this, simply telling kids to “speak up” isn’t enough. As adults, we need to create environments where young people actually feel safe sharing what they’re experiencing.

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Understanding Disclosure

When children talk about bullying or abuse, it usually happens in one of two ways: verbal disclosure or non-verbal disclosure.

Verbal disclosure

Sometimes a child will tell you directly. This might happen suddenly, but more often it happens bit by bit over time. Children often “test the waters” first. They want to see how you will react and what you will do with the information.

Your response matters. Studies on abuse disclosure show that young people are far more likely to continue sharing when adults respond with calm support, belief, and empathy rather than anger or panic (Safeguarding in Sport research).

Non-verbal disclosure

More commonly, children communicate distress through changes in behaviour rather than words.

You might notice things like:

• Withdrawal from friends or activities

• Avoiding school or sport

• Changes in sleep or appetite

• Frequent headaches or stomach aches

• A sudden drop in motivation or performance

These signs should never be viewed in isolation. One bad day is normal. What matters is patterns over time. Bullying, by definition, is repetitive and occurs over time.

Remember: the child is not the problem — they have a problem.

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Strategies to Help Kids Open Up

If you’re concerned your child might be struggling but they haven’t said anything, the conversation often needs to start with you. The goal isn’t to interrogate them, but to create opportunities for safe and natural dialogue.

Practice active listening

Listening sounds simple, but it’s actually one of the hardest skills to do well.

Two common pitfalls to avoid:

Interrupting or filling silence

Silence can feel uncomfortable, but it often means your child is thinking. Give them time.

Preparing your response while they talk

The moment you start rehearsing what you’re going to say next, you stop truly listening.

Your attention should stay fully on them.

Watch for conversation openings

Kids often test the waters with small comments or random questions. These moments may seem minor, but they’re often invitations to talk.

If you’re busy, acknowledge them:

“Give me two minutes to check the oven, then I’m all yours.”

That small pause sends a powerful message: you matter and I’m listening.

Ask open-ended questions

Questions beginning with “why” can feel judgmental and put kids on the defensive. Instead, try curiosity-based questions that start with “what” or “how.”

For example:

• “What was the best part of your day?”

• “How are things going with the team lately?”

• “Have you noticed bullying happening at school?”

  
  

Starting broad gives your child space to open up at their own pace.

A simple family routine like the High/Low Game can also help. Each person shares the high point of their day and the low point. It’s an easy way to normalize talking about emotions.

Don’t rush to fix the problem

When kids finally open up, our instinct as parents is to jump in with solutions. But what they need first is to feel heard.

Let them talk.

Validate their feelings.

Give them space to vent.

Once they feel understood, they’ll be much more open to discussing possible solutions.

Create regular one-on-one time

Children often need the right moment and setting to talk about difficult things. Having a consistent routine together — a weekly walk, car ride, breakfast outing, or dog walk — creates a predictable space where conversations can happen naturally.

Sometimes a child spends the whole week building the courage to bring something up during that time.

Consistency matters.

Use indirect communication

Not every child is comfortable with direct face-to-face conversations.

Some kids talk more easily:

• during car rides

• while walking the dog

• cooking together

• doing activities side-by-side

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Without the pressure of eye contact, conversations often flow more naturally.

Some children also communicate better through writing. One parent shared that their child would write notes and slide them under their pillow, and the parent would write a response back. It became their way of staying connected.

The format doesn’t matter. Communication does.

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What If Your Child Asks You Not to Tell Anyone?

Sometimes children disclose bullying but immediately ask their parents not to do anything about it.

This puts parents in a difficult position.

Doing nothing often means the behaviour will continue. Instead, explain calmly that speaking up is important — not only for them, but for others who might be experiencing the same behaviour.

Work with your child on the next step. This could mean:

• speaking privately with a coach or teacher

• helping your child prepare what they want to say

• writing down what happened if they’re not comfortable speaking

The goal is to involve them in the process so they still feel heard and supported.

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The Bottom Line

We often tell kids to speak up, but the real responsibility lies with us as adults — to notice, to ask, and to listen.

Because when children feel like the world won’t help them, they stop talking. And that silence can follow them for years.

Creating space for honest conversations today can make all the difference.

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References

AthletesCAN. (2019). Prevalence of Maltreatment Among Current and Former National Team Athletes.